Dating Life & Career Search

This is going to be a combined post of my life currently. I have started to use this more or less as my journal without care of people whom actually read it... Anyhow... My mindset definitely shifted since the last two months, if I am honest, I have flaws like indecisive, which also means I run to my friends when I can't make a decision about something that might be important. I overthink... a lot, like crazy amount, where imagine usually the worst situation possible, or maybe I should say highly sensitive. Communication... I can usually handle logical situations, but when it comes to emotions or love, I am stuck on unable to express my needs. I am trying to change that as it seems to be impacting me in my relationships. I am caring, kind, empathetic, compassionate, and humble to a fault... I am learning more and more of myself in my 20s as I stumble across people in my daily life. Back to the topic...

Let's start off with the easier topic and I will jump on to the harder topic as it is hard for me talk about. My career search in 2025 had been to say the least, very disappointing so far. I was hoping to stay near Toronto, or at least the Greater Toronto Area to be able to jump through to the next stage of life. I currently have had about 10 rejctions, 100+ applications, and only a few of them had gotten back about interviews. I have one interview in the upcoming days for a position up north at Kapuskasing, it is at the same hospital as my friend whom moved up north around the beginning of the year. https://www.senhosp.ca/careers In the current job market, it's hard for anyone, even a nurse to find a job that is suitble to my needs. I was unable to complete any milestones as of yet, but I do plan on gaining some certifications / certificates to help my application look stronger among the peers, including coronary care I, perioperative certificate, and the possibilities of both physical assessment and medication administration courses as well. It looks truly bleak here as two of my friends who are also looking at jobs in the neighbourhood or even all over Canada. It's crazy to the fact that they can find jobs elsewhere easily whereas in Ontario, its hard to find something that is truly suitble. I am continuing to apply for jobs all around GTA region, and expanding the scope to Hamilton, Halton, Niagara, Barrie, Muskoka, and even further up north. I cried so hard about it on Thursday, and afterwards basically crashed out in bed. It had been so weird...Then a lot of other things happened...

Here comes the hard part of it... I have been trying to diagnose and analyze my feelings for the past few days but I can't seem to make any logical reason behind it because there is no logical feelings when it comes to love and relationship. I have been seeing a guy since the beginning of the year, things have been heating up and there were ups and downs throughout the last six months. Last weekend, we had a conversation about things between us, and it was definitely one of the hardest conversation I've have to had (probably not going to be the last). To be honest, I was not that serious initially and it was fun and play for me up to April, and that was when my perspective of him changed, when we went out drinking, when he bought me flowers, when he made me breakfast, when he took the effort and come to see me in Markham, when he takes the time to spend it with me... There were countless moments where I neglected how he felt throughout it because of my nasty phone habits... I tend to look at my phone to text my friends when I get nervous (it is such a bad habit), I didnt want to admit it, but I did.picked it up from a friend and that was not a great thing to learn instead of spending quality time with each other which is something he usually appreciates, and it would definitely be better for me to do the same which I didn't realize. I did not realize my mind is so blank at times without reading much books, sometimes its hard for me to find the conversation and initate conversation, even everyday he had to start with the greeting, which was probably tiring eventually so he stopped altogether. I was busy on focusing on the flaws, I oversaw a lot of good traits that I have gotten out of it. He tried in the politest way possible to give me the rundown of events for the past months and how he felt about it. At the moment, I think I wanted to cry but couldnt (which is what happened later when I got home). Anyway, he confessed his feelings to me but he cannot take the no conversation in a relationship and the disrespectfulness I have shown him. As someone whom never initates much, or at least later in life because of so many letdowns, I have thrown it on this one guy and hoped he would stay. We ended up having an almost home-run makeout of the day, it was rocking and it was good... I didn't know how to react otherwise. I just know my feelings for him arent logical anymore, i just want him and him only, which might be too late to say, but it had taken me so many whirlwinds and opinions of others to shake my belief in this, and I am so worried that it is too late...

I fear i might be broken, I can't say what I want to say a lot of times, and i push away people that care about me again and again because I am scared.... and I don't know.... I am giving some space for him to think for now, and I will reach out in a day or two if there's no response... I want to be more myself out there, I hate hiding behind this stupid mask of "nice". "kind", meanwhile I am sick of people at times. It is definitely going to take time to rip it off, which I will slowly do it. Hopefully in the process of getting him back too. Yesterday, i basically drank till I was almost blindly drunk, while still feeling the pain, like the chest pain when thinking about being apart... Being his friend or cutting it off doesn't seem like the options for me, and I hope there is still a chance for us.