Feelings Lately...
- Lucy G
- Jan 15, 2025
- 6 min read
Updated: May 6, 2025
My MBTI is ESFJ, which means I give out a lot but also means there are a lot of feelings no matter how much I try to mask it off, it hurts like a lot internally. I love people but also at the same time it is the most I out the E group, due to the need of my own space sometimes. I enjoy planning and like the way it helps me stay organized but also hate how much I want to stick to the rules. I was feeling like a piece of s*** when I did not graduate school in time, and took extra long to finish what I could have finished earlier. The life experience it gave me is definitely different if I went into nursing straight outta high school.
P.S. This piece is a bit raw, it is not for everyone to read and might hurt some people along the way, it is just how I feel and for my own processing. I will either use initial or fake name throughout... This could take me awhile to write.
I would like to start with my history of love life, which have been rocky to say the least... First, friends to lover, then online dating hitting me like a drum. My first relationship was to say not the best, being "cheated" on by my first boyfriend was not the best (it had been suscipions since that time that I am not willing to dig deeper into). I had bright hopes, and crushes on people that have never liked me back but that relationship initially felt weird at first. TBH I dont think I am built for LDR (long distance relationship) at that time, which was definitely not being awared at the time. During the first year at Brock, I liked a guy that was seriously not the best as a person, whom took advantage financially being roommates... He was definitely a history that I am not willing to visit of the time due to how horrible he was. Maybe that'd be a story i can revisit later on (or not) if the occasion comes. Also, being coming from a strict family, I let myself go around that time of my life, around age 18-19, which I believe was okay now looking back (even if my parents still disapprove till now).
Till this brought to mid-2019, where I start to realize my feelings are bigger than me, and I have had feelings for my best guy friend at the time (still is, don't ask how). The feelings I have had for him was definitely more than a friend, and being how unexperienced, and how reserved he was, he was definitely not the best boyfriend... We were together in May of that year, and broke off in the same year. Honestly, years later, I would try to talk to him about it, it would result in him changing his topics, or avoiding it completely. I have learned that is the whole personality was like that, because he have done it with his education. Eventually I stopped pressuring him about it and totally avoiding talking about it, as there is a no-talk zone when you are friends with a guy you sorta dated. To be fair, the closest we have gotten is holding hands, and he was freaking his mind about it (that's definitely story for another time). To be fair, this made me scared for awhile before I pursued another one. I felt more than a friend for him at the time, I feel like I was not good enough for him due to us being long distance (yes again I know), I was at the transition of the school(s) at the time. It felt surreal to have a friend whom became a boyfriend. At that time, ite felt nice but also awkward due to how close we used to be. We used to hangout basically everyday being at the same high school together. To be fair, there was not much sexual attraction, except an emotional connection which I believe is also what lead me to believe I am demisexual (still questioning). It was't until a few years later, my other good friend revealed to me how he felt at the time, meanwhile I was still pissed at how he didn't directly tell me how he feels but felt more relieved. It may seem like most of these are emotional-crushing, vs physically, that is how most of my stories are TBH.
Before the pandemic hit, I hit up with one of the guy friends that I have known through a mutual friend. I cannot remember exactly how we reconnect but I hosted a virtual birthday party at the time of the year and I invited him there. let’s refer him as an archery head as he made his own archery bows and arrows from scratch for awhile at that time from a hobby during the pandemic. We were friends before this, so there was pre-existing friendship bond, plus holding hands and cuddling brought us closer, and in that moment, emotions were high and we were in the midst and cannot see through it logically. This was always meant to be a situationship, we did watch movies together, went places together, have dinner together…but there was no label or anything and that leads to this. At the end of that same week, he “ended” it with me saying that he was not ready for a real relationship as he thinks his career is not settled (but looking at it now, it could have been just an excuse, which I still prefer over no communication). This was fun and a good experience to have but I’d rather not experience again.
I took a break from dating after that due to the pandemic and focused on family. I didnt do much of anything except hanging out with my familiy and friends. I did a bit of online dating with a guy from China in 2021 during the pandemic but that ended very shortly. 2021 was mainly fitness year and a bit of local Ontario travelling. Ohh yeah and my best friend got married that year (but then this didnt last as long as I thought it would). As I continued in nursing school in 2022, I was mainly focused on out of country travelling, I went to both LA and Vegas, plus Algonquin for some funsy. I went to see Charlie Puth and Blackpink this year too, woow didnt realize 2022 was such a fun year! I did my first 5K officially that year, and another subsequent 5K in 2023. In 2023, I gained all my weight back, and got even of that in 2024 tbh.... I did lots of self-healing up till 2023. My sister got married too this year, which was a great news for our family. This year it was Jackson Wang (which got me truly hooked to his music and person), and my favourite Ed Sheeran, he brought Shawn Mendes to the concert which still shook me till this day. Unfortunately 2024 I was mainly focused on school, but I did travel to LA and date a few guys along the way.
Most guys I have met later on is either from introduction of parents or dating apps, meanwhile one of those guy that got me hooked and running back to eventually lead to ghosting of each other around Oct 2024 (this will be a separate story, or else this one will run way too long). I am currently deciding to casually date and meet people along the way, I am open to see where things go, but not forcing the flow of things anyway because I am tired and sick of always making the move (what is up with guys now is like the girls have to pull the moves). If it will work, it would work, that is my motto now! Also, I might start to date girls to try to make sense of my sexual orientation, I have always wondered, and placed myself between demisexual / bisexual / questioning.
I have started seeing this one guy in 2025, we have been talking a bit more or less on the app(s), it has been fun so far, but so far there had been only one date, so we will see how things go. This had been fun! Till Next time :)
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